Monday, January 14, 2013

300 Pounds Down

I forgot to weigh this morning. Fail. I went to bed last night at like 6PM, so I know the weekend had drained me. Look for the weigh-in tomorrow, I promise!
Today, I’d like to share 300 pounds down with you. I know a lot of you already read Holly. If you don’t – you need to start reading Holly. She is a true inspiration. Her most recent post really struck home with me, and I encourage you to read through her blog if you have not.
“There is something else about my personality
Which has often contributed in life
To me throwing down the white flag
And giving up the fight
I really do”

This hit home closer that I wanted it to. I have always avoided confrontation. When I was close to 350 pounds, I wanted to just be ignored, that was my goal. I didn’t want to rock the boat, I didn’t want to draw attention to myself, and I didn’t want any confrontation.

“And then I retreat
Back into my hole
Back into my safe place
Back into my recliner with the remote control
Where I imagine myself sinking into the chair
Becoming one with it
Where no one can see me
Where I’m invisible
And the stressors of the world
Can pass me by without harm”

I went to a New Year’s Eve party this year. At this party, a guest that I wasn’t particularly looking forward to seeing was going to be there. I had met this girl a few years back, when we went out to dinner with a group of friends.

At the dinner, she wasn’t outwardly rude to me, but she was rude. She ignored me, and when she did have to listen to something I was saying because I was the only person talking, she gave me the look of loathing that I could not even describe. Leaving the restaurant, she said her goodbyes to everyone but me. This was my first time meeting her, too.

Needless to say I was not looking forward to seeing her again. I dreaded it, actually. And let me be clear – when I showed up at that party she was still the same hateful woman. But I felt pity for her this time, not myself. And it was an amazing moment.

I no longer let other people have control over my feelings and how I feel about myself. Finally, if anyone is rude to me – I don’t first blame myself for being fat & unattractive. Now, I feel pity for them because they are such sad people. I went on to have a great time, even chatted her up as much as I could (I’ve come to realize she’s just a naturally hateful person, haha.)

I am no longer retreating to my hole. I know and value my self worth now, and that is a NSV that is worth its weight in gold.


  1. Aw great post. I do read Holly's blog and she is indeed an inspiration.

    I'm proud of you for recognizing this change in yourself, and giving it the props it deserves. Believing in yourself, and not letting others define you or your worth is a kick arse NSV. Good job!

  2. I totally agree. It is about THEM and not me...and I get this now. Part of it is the worth that each of us has as a person (thin or not) and part of it is I know how hard I am working!! My confidence is much different--which in no way excuses bad is just my tephalon shield against it.

    What is so new for me is feeling. I am letting myself FEEL I deserve to feel for the first time. I know that I always deserved to feel, but I never let myself until now.

  3. I'm so like that, I definitely need to check out 300 pounds down! Kudos to you for overcoming!!

  4. I read Holly's blog and she inspires me so much. I've always wanted to blend in with the wallpaper and not be noticed -- a complete introvert I suppose. Even in elementary school, when they lined up up in two groups facing each other across the room for a spelling bee, I would deliberately miss the first word I got so I could sit down. I go into scary group situations now with a little more bravery than I did then. :)

  5. That's the best NSV ever!! It's so easy to blame ourselves or put ourselves down when we are heavy - so crazy!

    And I am the QUEEN of non-confrontation, but my husband has helped me immensely in this department. I had a friend that I did just about everything for - she needed a ride the bank, I drove her. She needed someone to hang out with because he husband was working nights, I'd do that too.

    Right when I started dating my husband we double dated with this woman and her husband. I had already lost 70 pounds. My now husband had only known me as thin. I went to the bathroom, and when I got back, the mood at the table changed and I couldn't figure it out.

    My "friend" apparently told my husband that she stayed friends with me, even when I was fat "but doesn't she look good now?"

    We moved 50 miles away not long after that. This woman, who I talked to three times a day for years, never called me to see how the move went. I waited for her to call me. The call never came.

    I was no longer convenient for her, so our friendship became obsolete. I never would have noticed that without my husband's insight!

  6. Amen sister! I have definitely found with age I could not care less what people think about me, it is so freeing. I'm not big on confronting or arguing with people, it just gets me upset. Holly is the best, I love her blog.

  7. It's a true sign of recovery I think when we can stay centered even when others are rude or unkind. Being comfortable in our own bodies and not reacting but being proactive about situations or people that can make us feel uncomfortable otherwise. We tend to be people pleasers and think every negative situation is our fault. As a Christian I am told to love. I am told to love God first and then to love others. This does not mean being a door mat. It means wanting what's best for others and you did more for that rude woman by being kind and friendly than anything else you could have done. You showed her that even when she is rude she is still regarded positively. Who knows what is going on in her life, what family or financial or health problems she has? If she is like that very much, all her relationships are probably suffering. That is enough punishment for any of us - the punishment we bring upon ourselves. It warmed my heart to read that you showed kindness to someone that the world would have told you didn't deserve it. You made her life a little easier. Well done.

  8. Great post and something I think needed to be said! Personally, I have been caught up in the idea of having to take ownership for my own problems-- whether they be weight related, relationship related, school/work related, whatever-- and really trying to existential therapy myself into being a more enlightened and contemplative person. What you have said here, however, has really and truly given me a kick in the butt because sometimes our problems aren't our fault. Sometimes they are because of other people like with the debbie downer you spoke of. Sure, it's not good to blame all our problems on the situation, the person, the weather, but it's equally as bad to blame ourselves whether it be our actions, our appearance, or our outlook on life. It's a lot harder than it seems, but sometimes I think we need to be a little less selfish in assuming blame for everything. Sometimes it is that other bastard's fault. From recent events in my life, it sucks being the nice person all the time, no matter what. I just gotta be a B when there needs to be a B! ANYWAYS, sorry for the rambling, but seriously, THANKS!

  9. I think that's awesome. Finding and building on that confidence is terrific!

  10. People like that aren't worth your time.

    Holly is awesome!