As I’m nearing my goal of 165 (although it seems to be slowing down a bit…), I find myself actually getting more and more anxious. I think that’s perfectly illogical, but I can’t shake the feeling. I spent so much of my time when I was fat daydreaming about if I weren’t fat. Did anyone else do this? I would have internal dialogue that always started with, “When I’m not fat..” or “If I wasn’t fat..”
For the most part, a lot of that dialogue is starting to see results. I can sit in an airplane seat comfortably. I can go through a turnstile without fear of being stuck. I can be in line for a roller coaster and not have to worry the whole way up about if I don’t fit having to cross over in shame. I can find clothes, I can buckle my seat belt, I can walk for reasonable distances without being winded.
Unfortunately there is another side that I’m not sure I will see results without some additional assistance. I always thought once I was a normal weight, it would magically fix all my personality flaws because surely my personality flaws were connected to my fat. Yeah, not so much I’m finding. I’m still fighting with insecurities out my ear.
I still feel like people stare at me, in the bad way. I still feel uncomfortable walking into a new situation without someone there I know to lean on. I still feel like I’m not good enough for people to desire, or want to be friends with, or just be in the same room with me. Isn’t that silly? I still require the approval of others to find any worth in myself, and I hate that. I want to change that so badly, and I thought once that if the fat were gone, it’d magically appear.
But it’s not. I think that’s the hardest lesson I’ve learned while I was losing the fat: losing the fat doesn’t fix it all.
*sigh* it sucks that the fat melting away doesn't automatically melt away with it. The mental and emotional work is ongoing. But just like losing the weight, you CAN do it! It will be a challenge, but nothing you can't handle!
ReplyDeleteGo Girl!
You might need a little Al love soon. Hmmmm
ReplyDeleteAlways can use the Al love!
DeleteAgreed. I think there's a much bigger "evolution" that needs t to happen- emotionally AND physically. Hang in there, sweetie. You. Are. Awesome!
ReplyDeleteSarah
www.thinfluenced.com
Thanks for sharing your thoughts! My whole life I always thought that happiness was to be skinny. I am super excited about getting to a healthy normal weight (so far I lost 17 lbs)it has made me wondering how is life going to be living in a "normal" body. I fear that it wont bring me all the happiness I thought. Hope you will find away to handle your new life :D And please keep us posted if you find a good way!!
ReplyDeleteLine
www.32kginayear.blogspot.com
I've heard this phenomenon referred to as the "fantasy of being thin." We're taught all our lives that skinny = happy, because fat = unhappy. It takes a lot of time and effort to come to grips with the fact that it's not a magic bullet. I'm bigger than I've ever been now, but in the past when I lost weight and still felt like hell about myself, it truly helped me to remember that EVERYBODY has physical insecurities, and there is nothing wrong with you having them too! Nobody else judges you as harshly as you judge yourself.
ReplyDeleteIt certainly doesn't, I guess part of the process is to learn to be comfortable with ourselves, the good and the well, the less appealing aspects.. I'm falling asleep, but I just wanted to pop by and say hey. You of course are doing awesome!!
ReplyDelete